Living With A Brain Injury

After hearing what happened to me I’d be lying if I said I understood it all. All I knew was that I’d be fine in a few days. However, those days turned to weeks and those weeks turned to months. I had no idea and as fragmented as my mind was while in the ICU; all I could is doze off. I saw nothing but a white light and felt nothing. I woke up with an IV in my arm, constant tingling and remembering I’m here in ICU wondering what did I experience? Was that me literally knocking on death’s door? Was my mind playing tricks on me with all the drugs in my system? I didn’t think of it much at the time because I really wasn’t in my right mind to do so. Over the next few months I went about therapy but wasn’t accepting the progress I made because it wasn’t to “my standards”. I kept at it but I started to feel like it was a chore. Like “why do I need to do this?” This mindset is how I slipped more into depression. During this time is when I thought again about the white light I saw. Maybe this time I can make it more of a permanent reality for me. I began to feel leaving this earth was the best option at that time. I went from a well mannered individual to someone who required help to do the simplest things and it was something I just couldn’t handle. Why not swallow the whole bottle of medicine in front of me? Everyone telling me how strong I was and will get through it but deep down I was tired mentally physically and emotionally. I just kept up the appearance that I’m fine. People thought they knew what I was going through but had no idea. It was exhausting making things seem like it was going well so I just kept to myself what I really felt. It was just easier to go about things as they were because who would understand? It was not they responsibility to understand. Everyone had they own life to live so why bother them. I already felt like a burden so I would be one less problem for everyone. No need to accommodate or change anything about your life for me and I’ll just be on my way. I really didn’t see any reason to go on living the way I was. I just felt life and everything was taken away from me and what was the point of living. As time went on I learned through prayer and faith that there’s more to life and to keep pushing forward. In time those thoughts of self hurt faded but never went away. It eventually became something I knew wasn’t stronger than me and it was something I knew I had to and will conquer because God wouldn’t put you in a situation you can’t handle and he was not done with me yet.